surrogate

For so many years I've lived by myself. Having left my parents at an early age (because of my hard headedness) I have gotten used to paying my own bills, moving to different places, cooking meals for one, Christmases and birthdays alone. The loneliness over the years isn't something that goes away but over time I've learned to cope and if the sad carols I hear move me to tears I tell myself at least my family is still complete, we just can’t be together.

Despite my age though, there is still a little girl in me who wants to be taken care of by my parents. I know I can’t get it from them anymore and even then there was some sort of awkwardness between my parents and me. I love them but with them I have to be always strong, and smart, independent, and self-sufficient. And most times I get tired of being the woman they expect me to be. Most times, I just want to be plain old me.

So I suppose it’s a blessing living with my two older Filipino couple. They’re the parents of my landlord who offered that I move upstairs after a year and a half of discord with the Filipinas I used to live with. Initially I didn’t talk to them because I had a feeling that they have heard bad things about me and the hurt I felt from my previous room mates was still fresh in my heart. Eventually I started getting to know them. They generously offered food even beyond the usual “kain tayo, Dar”. And as weeks turned to months our bond became stronger, I eat with them, cook for them, clean house and do errands for them and they do the same for me. I became the daughter they never had and they became the parents I wish I have.

It’s going to be a year since I’ve first moved in with them in a couple of weeks. I feel that I’ve never lived with anyone else but them. Our loneliness living in Canada has drawn us to find companionship with each other. Perhaps in the near future I will move away from here and finally be with  B. It’s not something I dwell on though, because as much as my heart is excited the sadness of separating from Nanay & Tatay pinches my heart.