when the tables have turned

I have lost count of the number of times I’ve lost my temper and become hissy at  B. It’s not something I’m proud of and every time I am able to rationally look at the situation I get so ashamed of losing my temper and being hissy I wish the world would just open up and swallow me. At times I wish he never met me too coz he’d save himself a lot of pain if he and I were never together. I feel as though I am constantly struggling to be better or cool or be laid back and every time, I lose it.

My old mentor having noticed my anger management issues once pulled me aside and ask, “What do you gain when you lose your temper?” and I said “Nothing”. And I think he wanted to teach me something with that talk but it didn’t helped much. I was still as Nazi as I was the first time and I still give scathing sarcastic comments when I get aggravated. But lately I’ve come to realize that my answer wasn’t true at all. I don’t gain “nothing” when I lose my temper; I actually gain a lot of self-guilt, promote hate and mistrust, and worse of all I break apart every good thing from my relationships. 

I wrote a few weeks ago how I try to work on my behavior first before I feel any feelings, and I tell you it’s HARD! Most times for me, feelings are fucking nuisance. I get offended with the slightest joke, irritated when things aren’t done the way it’s suppose to be done, and feel rejected when I don’t get attention. It’s sad really, and I worry at times he’d get fed up with my childish and evil ways he’d quit and just leave. And when that worry starts to gnaw my insides a part of me says “I wouldn’t be surprised if he did leave you.” Yeah, you can call me psycho.

But what I don’t write is when the tables have turned, when  Bbecomes hissy and nothing I do or say makes him happy. It’s like he’s tired of sunshine and wants some male bonding time. When the slightest concern or question causes him irritation creases his forehead with a wrinkle and he gives tart replies. They are once in a blue moon days, but they do happen and when they do I look at him like a deer caught on headlights and I just want to make a run for it before he hits me or something. I’ve learned to watch for the signs (cussing out loud, banging the mouse on the desk, more cussing, a firmness in his voice tonality, still more cussing, and his face looks like a cop who caught me doing something illegal) and I’ve learned to take a deep breathe and let it roll. It’s nothing personal, it’s just the way things are in any relationship.

So now that I've come to face my shortcomings and correct my flaws, I've come to realize that it's not just changing one's self and being better but also accept the person for who they are and giving them the best even though we're treated poorly. In any relationship it's not just enough to say "I love you", we have to live it and work on it.