upsetting truths and gruelling dares

I read this comment written on my previous post over and over my eyes blurred. What can I say? Sure... perhaps. A part of me will grow back after going through the motions of being loved off, ignored, loved off some more, used, loved off a bit less, torn apart, loved one-sidedly, dumped, loved partially, mauled. Yeah sure, perhaps time do heal wounds and I will be able to restore whatever was lost or cut off or broken up. 

But as usual, my split personalities started another round at this topic.

“Hope. It is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength and your greatest weakness.” This echoed in my head in the voice of the Architect. So I paused to mull over it. Is there really any point in hoping that these would transpire? That some day I will stop hurting or being hurt? Or that I will find the One... that one true person who would love me unconditionally and not necessarily just the Man who was nailed on the cross for my sins? What is the whole point at it anyway? 

I decided that I won’t dwell much into those thoughts. I’ve been there before. I know how lethal thoughts like those can be to me. I still have scars that remind me and looking at the white lines on my arms made me remember what happens when I stop hoping. So perhaps Hope can be a human delusion. It turns to an illusion if one does not know where the hope is anchored on. 

But as I kept on thinking about it, I realized that it’s not the question of whether I will be loved or why am I not being loved that I should answer. The more important question is, why do I want to be loved? I know I give everything in each of my romantic relationships that in the course of the relationship I am left with nothing. I find this bothersome and quite suspicious. No one is good enough or self-sacrificing enough that he or she would give so much. Sweet sure...but quite strange for me. 

Perhaps I give so much because I want to receive so much too. Perhaps I give so much because I don’t want to lose that person or that feeling of belonging to someone. Perhaps I give so much because deep inside I am wishing that that person will be the one who will fill the emptiness inside. These are sad, pathetic, and seriously bothersome reasons. How can I expect to have a flourishing relationship when I am not even sensible enough to understand where my emotions are coming from?!? Shit. Shit. Shit.

I am confronted again with Pandora’s Box. Here we go again. I can’t run far without being stumbled by it. I must settle it eventually. But I then doing that means dredging so much painful memories. But if I don't do it then I will end up in a cycle of pain and hurt. So do I run away and try my luck hoping my next relationship won’t be like the rest I had? Or just go back to the past and deal with it now? 

...