i do <i>not yet</i>

"Ang bata pa nila no?" (They are so young right?)

Gretch who was sitting beside me was pointing at a couple on her computer screen. I looked closer at her screen and saw a picture of a woman in a wedding dress and a groom beside her. Both smiling. Both looking blissful. The guy looks young but the woman looked older, whoever did her makeup probably wasn't paid much. "Pila ilang edad?" (How old are they?) I replied as I looked back at my own screen. She said the guy was 21 and the woman was 24. Oh so she is older and no make-up could hide that. As I watch Kang Jae ask Mi Joo if she liked him a thought came into my mind. "Is she pregnant?" I asked. Gretch replied yes. I pushed further "Ahh, kaya pala" (That's why).

"She didn't want to get married but the guy wanted to", Gretchen said to her friend's defense. I didn't reply. There was no reason to argue, it wasn't my life, she wasn't my family. Twenty-four and married. I could not imagine that.

At thirteen, I remember being beaten up by the Colonel because he said I was a flirt. He thinks I'd get knocked up so young by a probinsyano because I would often be walking home from school with a guy. I didn't know what the fuss is. I was naïve and had no idea that a vagina and a penis together would equate to babies and responsibilities. I wanted to ask him why was he beating me up but asking meant more beating up. 

At fourteen, I decided not to marry young, this after finding out that my dad has an illegitimate son. I remember looking at my mother the day he made that confession and I was wondering why she was not crying, how can she endure his infidelity. But then later on I found out she knew it for some time already.

At eighteen, I decided not to get pregnant single. This after Tanduay Girl got pregnant and was coerced by the Power Couple to marry. I saw how vulnerable she became. All her life she was told what to do and how to do it. And her getting married was the final blow. I wanted to argue for her. I wanted to ask the Power Couple not to force her to marriage. But I was to weak then. I was afraid. So I made a choice not to get pregnant, this was my way of fighting for her.

At twenty-one, I said yes to a wedding proposal. But we broke up. And even if I cried everyday for six months after that I realized later on it was a good decision. Because when I saw the guy a year after I couldn't imagine myself making love to that guy in the first place.

In between those years are countless stories of friends whose spouse cheats, are separated, alcoholic, more cheating, drug addict, squandering, gambler, estrangement, wife beating, and more cheating. Now at twenty-eight people ask me when will I settle down. They think I am at the right age. And I scoff every time someone broaches that topic. Why do they want me to settle down? As if marriage is a lounge chair you sit on and have a good time.

Marriage takes a lot of work. But I am the laziest person. Marriage is until death. But I will not stay if a man cheats. Marriage is sharing. But I don't like sharing my pillow to anyone. Marriage is commitment to the one choice you made. But I could not even decide when to get up in the morning. Marriage is for people who are brave. But I am a coward...I cannot stand being hurt or disappointed. Marriage is loving even if the person is unlovable. But I can't even love after I get hurt. Marriage is forgiveness. But I can't even let go of my past pains. 

I know that sometimes a string will tug in my heart when I see wedding rings, I would be wistful when I hear Pachelbel's Cannon in D Major, my head would turn when I see a bridal car, my steps would slow down as I pass by wedding gowns and the thought of being Mrs. to someone would make me gush. But after the ceremony and the honeymoon, when both show flaws and commit mistakes unforgivable, the gooey things I feel about marriage goes faster than you can spell Love.

I believe in marriage so much that I admit I cannot do it. Not yet. Perhaps I have the wrong reasons for not wanting to get married. But I cannot think of a good reason to say to someone until death do us part. So until I have no good reason to, I won't get married. As for that twenty-four woman in the picture, I hope she would still smile radiantly (with less make-up, please) beside her husband fifty years from now. Good luck! Really.