my name is D, and i'm an addict

I saw him again. I've been seeing him too often lately. After breaking my heart more than once, getting chest pains, seeing my doctor, being given a prescription not to see him, him making fun of me again, here I am and writing about seeing him AGAIN. If you think I'm crazy and masochistic you have no idea what mental flagellation I go through asking myself why I keep on doing this...I mean hello!?! I am D - people think I'm heartless, unyielding, determined, the chick in control. Yet the moment he comes along I am but a child - gullible and desperate to be accepted. WHY!?!

But finally I found the answer.

I was watching Grey's Anatomy Season 4 where Meredith can't sleep and Cristina diagnoses severe abandonment issues. She wonders if maybe Meredith should stop having "breakup sex" with Derek. Almost at the end, Meredith tells Cristina she can't give up sleeping with Derek, because it's not about the sex, it's about the moment afterwards, when she feels safe in his arms. She asks if that makes her pathetic and Cristina says, "A little bit."

That was it. And I found it pathetic. I found this whole thing pathetic but I can't stop now. Not yet. Especially after he says "Goodnight. I love you." I find it the grossest afterwards but when he says it I'm grossly cheerful and contented that he loves me. Even if at the back of my mind a voice warns me that he is lying and that I am not the only woman he is saying those words. Even if I wake up hyperventilating because I dream of him making out with some woman. Even if inside I feel he doesn't love me. Even if a part of me is asking he stop cavorting and just let me go. Even if I have to take my Zs just to cope.

I know. I KNOW!!! It.is.the.most.pathetic.thing.ever. Like those applicants who can't sell themselves but desperately need a job except my case is ten times loser case than them. Now I need to stop typing and whip myself.