if this is love i don't want it anymore

I've had a good solid week not seeing him. Pretty impressive is the fact that I didn't text him. Okay I did but only to respond to him. I did not, however, initiate texts with him. I got to the part where I told him I should not see him anymore because he is killing me oh so softly.

My progress was showing promise. Until yesterday when he started texting again and I was stupid enough to invite him to watch Iron Man with me. Fuck!!! Despite me asking him not to look at me coldly, I kinda knew things would get screwed around. Specifically, I WILL GET SCREWED AROUND AGAIN!

I had to stand by my invitation and decided a little movie won't hurt. As I rode in his car we started catching up and him sharing his mom left already for Bicol yesterday...hmmm, that's why he remembered to text me again. As we got off the car in the basement parking and started walking towards the mall entrance he grabbed my hand. I wanted to pull back. This will just hurt me again, I kept on hearing in my head. But I didn't mind it and continued.

After the movie, we started driving to my place. It was close to midnight and I was already rehearsing my thank-you line. Upon reaching my place he parked his cars. I can hear alarm bells in my head. My mind was shouting at me and I thought I was gonna faint with the ringing in my ears, "He's gonna sleep over. Fuck! Fuck! I'm gonna get hurt more. Why do I always invite trouble. How the hell am I gonna make him leave?!?" 

I was stuck. I allowed myself to get to this position and now I gotta pay for it. He did sleep over. And I wished badly the story ended when he left this morning. But it didn't. 

Twelve hours after he drove home, him and I started texting again. He asked how I was and I shared that I was worried that there might not be water tomorrow when I go to work as there has been no water from the faucet since this morning. He sent a response not a few minutes after, "Hahaha! Good luck!"

When I read those words the memories started unfurling in my mind. Of how he never respected me. How he never really made me feel special. How he took for granted the things I did for him. How he always made me feel so beneath him. How he never gave value of our relationship. How many tears I have cried before just for him to see me. How I would always be expected to be there but not him. How I lived and breathed all his needs. How he took this all for granted. I remembered the past. And I remembered well.

I started attacking him and defending myself. I never cheated on him with Mr. Gigolo, I did everything based on his definition of cool off. Whatever that is. And when he saw he was really losing me already that was when he tried to work double time to win me back. Because I chose to be with Mr. Gigolo, because I could not allow myself to introduce him to my family, because I could not have him then at my point in my career...I know that now he is trying to get even with me. To take things just because I fell for him again. He is at it again. Using me. Disregarding me. Making me feel dumb. 

The old cliché is misery loves company. But I know I don't have to be miserable. I don't have to let him hurt me anymore. I don't have to let my self-esteem be trampled. I don't have to be begged to be loved. I don't have to be treated like crap anymore. I'm through with it. I'm through with him. I'm through being screwed by guys like him.