when push comes to shove

It's been awhile since I mentioned Mr. Gigolo. Although him and I still talk, gone are the days of passion and lust where my iSight would be on for hours because we were like high school sweethearts giggling over stupid stuff.

Last night we were Skype-ing and he kept on asking me when would I be in Canada. And the honest answer is there is no specific date yet. I have submitted my papers and my VISA application is already with the Embassy but I have no date as to when I will leave. But I didn't say that to him. I gave him a grin and he said, "You don't want to tell me." How he can read me so well always made me wonder. Yeah, I don't want to tell him, even if I had the specific date, and when I do have that date (whenever THAT happens) I still don't want to tell. Call me presumptive but I can read him much more better than how he reads me. I know that the moment I get to Canada he will make a concerted effort to see me...and seduce me. 

Honestly, I don't want that to happen.

After our last divorce I found my attraction to him dissolve close to nothingness. Maybe being with him more often has caused this paradigm shift. Maybe the fidelity I wanted that Mr. Gigolo could not give thumped me to reality . Maybe because I've decided I'm done playing games and this has caused me to mellow.

Him and I do not want the same things so why should I kow tow to what he wants? Yeah sure he is hot and maybe I won't have a lover as generous and good-looking as him, but what use is his looks and generosity at the moment I fall in love when he won't be there to catch me? Why he wants to fly from Texas to Canada just to see me is something I don't understand. Players don't do that. Because if he does it would plant thoughts to a woman's mind. Thoughts like love, ring, vows, forever, us. And he doesn't want it. So I really don't get why he wants to go see me. Sure fine he can see me only if he is within 10 miles of where I am. But if he has to ride a plane just to see me, forget it. 

I've tried to explain to him what I want by phrasing it in a way that it would benefit him. I think I failed that. He came back to me today and said that he understands and I do make sense when he thought about what I said. Did he buy it? Sure he did. So I asked the final question, is he still going to make an all out effort to see me when I get to the country above his and that made him squirm and he said "o D, y do u ask me such things? I miss u and I'm lonely, so I really want to see u". 

Whoa! If it weren't for all those men the past 15 years I would have felt insulted with that. As much as I didn't want to hurt him, I knew then that I had to be straightforward with him and tell him what I want without phrasing it like before so I did. "i am telling you that i DON'T ever want to be in an emotional state as what you made Jessica go through." 

I will not be the woman who will give four years only to be told that my boyfriend wants to break up with me because he wants to date around. I will not be the woman who will be expected to be home whenever he wants a good fuck but he would be unavailable when I need him. I will not be the woman who would forego having children because he can't commit. I will not be the woman who is paranoid every time I see my man talking to someone on the phone. I will not be the woman who would be scared every time she sees her man checking out another pretty chick. I will not be the woman who would be wishing this year her boyfriend will propose. I will not be the woman who will be crying because even if she knew from the very beginning that the guy is a jerk she still tried to change the man. I will not be the woman who after giving up so much she would be left alone and with nothing but a broken heart and a broken spirit.

Having said that he finally understood.