pumelled

I have been wanting to blog about this but have been holding off because blogging about it would mean exposure. Waking up this morning I was having a blueberry danish breakfast and my iTunes was playing Fergie's Velvet. Everything was calm and a sunny happy day until I got to my third bite and Fergie seductively sings, “what you do to me conjures up feelings I’ve never felt before and your company I adore“.

This combo punch made my knees quiver with the avalanche of memories of Mr. Sizzle. I won't be able to shake this until I do two things today. 1. Is to blog it...

I am debating if I should go back to the genesis of this sordid affair and decided to keep whatever pride I have  left and ruled down writing about everything. So what am I going to share then, you ask? Why bother when I'm not going to come out clean, you say? Cut me some slack here because as words start forming in my mind and my fingers try to type it my thumb and index fingers keep on highlighting previous typed words and my ring finger hover over the delete button. I just simply don't know where to begin.

All I can remember, or try to remember, is that the affair is over and his faraway words I heard on the early days we were seeing each other that he just got off a four year relationship and for a long time he didn't want to be committed to a woman. He wants more than one woman. He wants different women at any given time. Well, I thought I can manage that. If that's all he can give then so be it, after all, I don't see myself being in the same city even country as him in the next six months or year. So we had a deal, I can go dating and he can go schmooze all the women he can meet.

So what am I gripping about? I thought I wouldn't get hurt... I've survived worse than what he said so this should've been a piece of cake for this party girl. But he said those three words, and he said it again and again, and he wants me to make a honest man out of him, and then he would be jealous or act jealous. And as days progressed to weeks to months, I wasn't seeing anyone else and he wasn't seeing anyone else and no one was living up to the expectations we initially agreed upon. Should've been nice right? Hopeful, as my Best Friend said.

Yeah, except this little voice inside me told me this is too good to be true. I got seduced and he got seduced and both of us was headed to a precipice and one of us will eventually be thrown over ending up hurt, damaged, and incapacitated. So I asked S bluntly what are we expecting out of this relationship? We were getting exclusive but he's always wanted to be a ladies man so why the hell is he saying he loves me. I totally forgot what we were saying to each other that day we agreed to stop this charade and he would start on his lifetime trip of being a God's gift to women.

So move along now. There's not much to see. No tears. No blood. Just one bruised ego and another box of luggage that doesn't even match the others I am already bringing along to a trip to AmbiguityLand.

But before I go there I need to do the second thing...change my friendster's primary photo.