ghosts and fears

I'm having a writer's block today. I want to write but I don't know what of and how. From my experience, I know that the best way to survive this is to keep on writing. Write silly things, write even it won't inspire, write and write. Because if i don't write the longer it will take for my muse to come back. So I will go on writing even if this is going to bore me.

I woke up late today after watching Season 1 of the Ghost Whisperer. If it's scary or not is something I can't decide on. After all, I hate those things that suddenly appear on the screen but Ghost Whisperer is a tear jerker rather than a horror show. Their depiction of earthbound spirits make me wonder and Miranda and Jim's relationship is something I envy. 

A scene showed Jim hugging Miranda and saying, “After I have convinced myself that there is nothing more to love about you, you do something to surprise me and love you more“ this made my eyes well up and loneliness hugged me and refused to let me go. Like a tidal wave I am accosted with thoughts that at the age of 28 I am single and I just might never marry. Suddenly, I am afraid and mopey.

I made a mental inventory of all my girlfriends, and except for the single parents and lesbians, all are married, seemingly happy, and have children. I wonder then what I lack that I can't find the one and they did. A couple of boy friends came over this afternoon to ask me if I want to climb Osmena Peak with them this weekend, I had to decline as I have to go to Manila again for my orientation to go to Canada. While drinking sodas and exchanging silly banters, Jay asked me why I look so pensive and my eyes reverted too quickly to his face. I feigned innocence and asked if I was that obvious and he replied with a smile. Can't fool him, after all these years what can I expect. I mumbled that I feel so single today. “What?!?“ he said too loudly and suddenly everyone became quiet and looked at me.

“Look“, I said, “it's going to pass, I hope. So stop staring at me like I have leprosy or something!“ Jay kept looking at me and I asked him what did I say. He just shrugged his shoulders and said, “What if it doesn't pass?“ Damn. I thought about this and figured it's gotta pass. Even feelings and moods are my choice. But a small part of me is afraid. 

I tried to shake off the feeling after they left and said to myself this is watching too much sob shows. I'm sure every single person in the world once in a while feels lonely. I'm sure even the married feel lonely. I'm sure even God in his greatness feels lonely once in awhile. But knowing these things didn't comfort me. At the moment I am sad that I am single. But I don't wish to be married. I've learned to be careful already what I wish for. So being safe, I fled to the bathroom to shower my loneliness and cleanse my mind. I just want this feeling to pass. I started feeling better already as I toweled my hair and realized that I am blessed being single...

And, ohmygod, I just made everyone know how desperate I can be.